Learn the Language of Love

Do you speak your spouse’s love language? Love language you say, “What are you talking about?” Think of it this way, have you ever been to a foreign country where you didn’t know the language? This can be a very frustrating experience.

Do you speak a foreign language?

I remember being in France many years ago…my friend and I were just trying to find a campground…we were practically doing hand stands to convey to the store clerk just what it was we were looking for! FRUSTRATING! If only we spoke the language…

Do you ever feel like you’re talking a foreign language to your spouse…it seems they just don’t get it no matter how hard you try to convey your love, care and concern. If that’s the case for you, it’s likely that you’re not speaking your spouse’s love language.

You were made for love…

“All you need is LOVE.” At least that’s what the Beatles told us! Although it’s not all we need, it certainly is a big part of what we need. communicating love to one’s spouse is for some more difficult than others. But knowing your spouse’s love language makes it oh so much easier.

If you feel like you are not on the same wave length as your husband or wife, the problem might just be that you’re speaking different languages…love languages that is! What the problem sometimes boils down to is you’ve been speaking a foreign language to your spouse. No wonder he/she doesn’t get it!

At this point you might be asking, “How do I learn my spouse’s love language?

Glad you asked…

Gary Chapman, marriage counselor extraordinaire, wrote a landmark book called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. In his book he not only describes the 5 different love languages, but also how you can discover which language both you and your spouse speak. Pretty neat, huh!

“What are those five languages you ask?”


The first language is words of affirmation.

Some people thrive on words of affirmation. Proverbs states “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (16:24) and “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” (25:11). People whose love language is words of affirmation are often very good at giving out words of affirmation. They might sound like, “You’re a great cook, that casserole was delicious!” or “I really love your smile…it just brightens my day.” Or how about “I just like being with you…it’s so comfortable being around you.”


The second language Chapman identifies for us is quality time.

This can be time spent sitting on the porch, rocking side by side; playing tennis together; or riding in the car together. What ever it is, if your spouse’s love language is quality time it generally means they really like to have your undivided attention! They may complain, “You never hear me” or “You never listen to me” or “You never spend time with me!” If these statements sound familiar, this might be a clue that your spouse’s love language is quality time.


Next, is gifts.

They don’t have to be expensive or extravagant, but for those whose love language is gifts, just about any tangible token of remembrance from their loved one says, “I love you”, loudly and clearly.” If you have been away on a trip and you come back empty handed watch out! If your spouse’s primary love language is gifts they may feel totally unloved even if you called them every night. That’s because the language that says “I love you” to them is gifts.


Fourth is acts of service, my favorite one!

When my husband empties the trash, does the dishes or folds the laundry, I hear “I love you!” For many women acts of service is their primary love language. They just love it when their husbands do things for them, and consequently they feel VERY neglected when their husbands don’t.


Here’s the kicker that makes love languages so important to learn….

Husbands and wives rarely have the same language.

So let’s take a closer look at how this thing works…

Let’s say Joe’s love language is words of affirmation and his wife Jane speaks to him in the language of acts of service. Joe is feeling rather neglected and unloved because he doesn’t understand the language of acts of service. It’s like Jane is speaking Greek to him.

Jane, sensing something is wrong, works harder and harder to convey her love to Joe so she steps up the effort. She keeps the house extra clean, fixes special meals and even takes out the trash out for him. But Joe still acts distant and depressed and inside feels that Jane just doesn’t love him.

All the while Jane is growing more frustrated and is about to give up trying. She feels all her hard work goes unappreciated. All her acts of service just don’t say, “I love you” to Joe! Joe is yearning to hear some words of affirmation.

Continue to the fifth love language…

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